Jean Veber: Witches (1900)

"All accusations to the contrary qualify as WitchHunting."

Even wannabe dictators must learn to spend much of their time in denial, for they become a magnet attracting outrageous accusations. Not that most of them aren't true, but it just would not do to confess to what he's actually up to. Aspiring dictators must uphold certain standards, and truthfulness is, frankly, somebody else's purview. Truth and fiction must become indistinguishable, requiring at least daily denial. News conferences almost always feature the incumbent awkwardly admitting something by vehemently denying it. The assembled journalists and even the press secretary understand the ritual, and few even attempt to deliver a killer follow-up after their original question gets rudely blown off. The palpable fictional content of the denial hangs in the air for a while like smoke obscuring mirrors. He insists they've only uncovered another Witch Hunt, which everyone understands does nothing but confirm the absolute truth of the original statement.

It might help the eroding credibility if he could vary the terms he employs to describe the situation. If this latest accusation qualified as yet another Witch Hunt, our incumbent would suffer from the most phenomenal coven ever imagined. It beggars even the mainstream press' considerable imagination to consider how many witches have dedicated their careers to embarrassing our innocent president. Even excluding the innumerable female accusations which, given his appearance, truly beggars the imagination, though his desperation, I suppose, could have fueled a few unwanted assaults. Most females prefer ten-foot pole proximity to our would-be king. His enemies throng around the gate, to hear him tell it, and their accusations defame his self-proclaimed good name. His name, truth told, has never once been closely associated with anything related to a decent reputation. He's been more widely reputed than virtually anybody holding office throughout history. He's definitely the most defamed celebrity ever. He seems to revel in his reputed infamy.

When every accusation becomes a WitchHunt, even a wannabe dictator might be well advised to try on a few fresh metaphors. Fishing Expedition might work sometimes. How about Snipe Hunt? Too obscure? He almost as often employs the ever-popular Fake News, though that, too, seems considerably past its prime. If he insists on continuing to commit the crimes, though, he'll be better served if he can vary his excuses sometimes. There are only so many witches, and not even all of them focusing full time upon creating his misfortunes could account for the calamities. His credibility's at stake, for cripes sake!

A decent dictator, though, wants and needs to appear notorious. He must always be accusable of being up to something infamous. Dictators do not ride into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey decorated with palm fronds. They prefer to goose-step around, even if their golf shoes tend to make a slightly embarrassing sparking on the ground as they step. They do not very often cut a fine masculine profile, though accusations that they don't tend to be strongly deflected by the dedicated press secretary. I should mention that all-important press secretary, for by tradition, they serve as the primary defense for the wanna-be dictator. Again, by proud tradition, they swear on their first day that they will always tell the truth to the assembled press. They might even project a portrait of their darling daughters and swear by all that they hold sacred that they will never tell a lie from their armor-plated podium. Then they can commence setting their pants on fire, denying all the way that they or their wannabe dictator are headed for Hell, post haste. Press secretaries are not allowed by law to hold anything sacred. They lie for a living. That's why they're paid.

One can never become a dictator worth his salt if utterly false accusations have not beset him since before the beginning of time. This feature appears to be the sole qualification for even being seriously considered for the position. A vast cross-section of civil and criminal society must have slandered one. If the Pope (himself) commits a truth and discloses some minor infamy you've committed, so much the better for your reputation because you then get to retaliate with an equally embarrassing accusation, albeit one that everyone understands you just made up. It's like the world engages in an endless ping pong game with you, where you exclusively play with imaginary balls and are the sole judge of play. Aside from being a champion golfer at your own club, you put Forrest Gump to shame at the ping pong table. We can't wait to see you humiliate the Chinese once you engage in some of that dictatorial diplomacy with them. So much winning anticipated!

MacBeth's famous witches correctly described their primary occupation, boiling up toil and trouble. They have apparently had an excess inventory of both since our incumbent was, unfortunately, re-elected. Had he lost, his misfortune quotient might have been much less than it's been since winning. He's a Christian martyr if he's anything, sacrificing his well-being to make things just that much worse for the rest of us. Fortunately, he shows few signs of lagging in fulfilling his unholy obligations to deflect those vicious accusations. Even his former friends eventually pile on until you'd think he had been abandoned to the wolves. He weaves an increasingly unbelievable story and considers that evidence of his suitability for holding the position of wannabe dictator, if not necessarily president. All accusations to the contrary qualify as WitchHunting.

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