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Department of Defensiveness

Reliable Washington officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, report a plan by the Bush Administration to consolidate all three branches of the Federal Government under a new Department of Defensiveness. “We find ourselves in the awkward position of needing to comply with truth in government statutes,” one source confided, “And the truth is, we are on the defensive. Under present law, we could either tell the people the truth or more accurately label our actions, and we’ve chosen to more accurately label our actions.”

Washington insiders report that former Representative Tom DeLay (R-TX), who has deftly exhibited the greatest defensiveness of anyone in government over recent years, will be named to the powerful new post of Secretary of Defensiveness, or “Spin Czar”, beating out by a narrow margin the current, masterly defensive Defense Department Secretary Rumsfeld. DeLay’s responsibilities will include overseeing a consolidated bureaucracy of double speak consultants, most of whom will be secretly outsourced to experienced firms in former Soviet Bloc countries, with the ultimate goal of teaching every Federal employee and contractor how to consistently obfuscate the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

As a long time observer of Federal Government operations, I feel a deep sense of gratitude toward the public servants behind this plan. For years, we have been asking government straightforward questions, expecting straightforward responses. Now, with the creation of the Department of Defensiveness, we can ask any question, without the burden of expecting anything even remotely resembling a straightforward response.

Should this radical restructuring succeed at the Federal level, citizens should expect to see the denial model replicated at state, county, and even city levels. Insiders expect Florida, who tested an early prototype in 2000, to begin consolidation following the 2006 mid-term election cycle. Ohio won’t be far behind.

Most delighted by this change are those who expected dramatic efficiencies in government when control of both the Legislative and Executive Branches passed to a single political party. With the Department of Defensiveness in charge, we will never again be bothered by reports of unexpected cost over-runs on government projects. Other benefits will reportedly include the declaration of a balanced Federal budget and, ultimately, victory in the war on terrorism. In short, an ever more perfect-seeming Union.

So say reliable government sources.

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